I am a 36 year old gay man who is feeling a bit lost. I have only been with 3 different men my whole life. My last was a seven year relationship that ended when he was killed by a drunk driver while on his way home from the office. It has taken a while for me to get back into the “dating” pool but I am feeling like a fish out of water. It has been almost 10 years since I have dated and I am a bit shocked/confused
I am a 36 year old gay man who is feeling a bit lost. I have only been with 3 different men my whole life. My last was a seven year relationship that ended when he was killed by a drunk driver while on his way home from the office. It has taken a while for me to get back into the “dating” pool but I am feeling like a fish out of water. It has been almost 10 years since I have dated and I am a bit shocked/confused at how much things have changed. Judging from the four dates I have been on it seems that the majority of gay men today are either seeking casual sex/quickies/one-niters, or looking for guys much younger than me. Not having had any sexual encounters since my boyfriend died 3 years ago has not made this transition any easier for me either.
I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and was hoping that you, or any of your readers, would be able to steer me in the direction where I might find someone seeking more than just a screw. Any ideas?
— Wanting more
Christ, I hate letters like this because it requires all the skills I lack—kindness, compassion, empathy. I only like doing the pat-pat, there-there, everything’ll-be-alright thing if it makes people vulnerable enough for me to cop a feel without getting punched.
The first thing you’ve got to do is own how lonely you are without making the world around you wrong. It’s easy to blame being dateless on the shallowness of gay men, on their BS game-playing and the fact that they’re all c*#k-crazy sl*ts.
Wait. Where was I going with this? Anyway, here’s my 5-step plan for you:
1. Cry. My heart ached *reading* your story. I can’t imagine living it. You need to release the sadness and grief of going so many years without a man’s touch. Like giving oral pleasure, you need to do it often and do it well.
2. Party with other single friends. Don’t go to bars or events alone. Hang out with other single guys. Besides, the next best thing to meeting potential boyfriends is bitching about not meeting potential boyfriends. And for that you need single friends willing to trade loser sob stories.
3. Go out. True love will fall in your lap, but only if you take your lap places. Nothing’s going to happen at home.
4. Own the dating services. Sign up for all the dating services you can afford. And don’t leave out the hookup sites like GRINDR. Just make sure you put “Looking for LTR only—no hookups” in big, long and did I mention thick, letters.
5. Visualize. What you think about expands. (Why do you think my jeans are so swollen?) Dwelling on the negative will bring you more negatives. Dwelling on all the decent, good-looking guys you’ll meet will bring more opportunities to meet decent, good-looking guys. When you change the way you look at things the way things look will change.