I know I’ve missed out on some great one-night stands, even relationships because the guys weren’t my physical type. I’ve tried but I just can’t get into smooth guys. It feels like I’m screwing a salmon. I’m always thinking, “Go easy on the lube, otherwise he’s going to pop through my fingers and land on the other side of the room!” The other night I met the perfect guy—great looks, warmth of a furnace …
I know I’ve missed out on some great one-night stands, even relationships because the guys weren’t my physical type. I’ve tried but I just can’t get into smooth guys. It feels like I’m screwing a salmon. I’m always thinking, “Go easy on the lube, otherwise he’s going to pop through my fingers and land on the other side of the room!” The other night I met the perfect guy—great looks, warmth of a furnace, but there wasn’t any hair on his legs so I made some excuse and practically fled the place. I’m feeling shallow and guilty about turning down guys just because they don’t have the exact physical look that I like. How do I deal with this?
– Rough Edges
Dear Rough Edges:
Don’t confuse shallowness with preference. Are you shallow because you prefer tall guys? Athletic guys? Or guys who know the difference between its and it’s?
Not only have you developed misguided guilt, you’ve also managed to develop a scarcity mentality while sitting in front of the biggest man-buffet ever seen. Dude, are you blind? Most guys are hairy and half the smooth ones are faking it! They’d probably latch on to you just to cut their waxing bills.
As far as your guilt, it’s caused by letting a physical characteristic rob you of an emotional connection. That, and the hurt you see in the other guys’ eyes when you reject them. Outside of letting them down easy, you can’t do much about the other guy’s hurt, but you can do something about broadening your body-type preferences. Notice I didn’t say, “change” your preference, because that’s impossible, but it is possible to expand your “body bandwidth.” Here’s how:
1. Tell the faux smoothies to grow it out. Many of the guys you’ve turned down are shaving and waxing because we’ve idealized smooth torsos. Pick up any gay publication and count the number of stories and ads featuring men with hairy bodies. Trust me, you can do it with one hand and no fingers.
2. Cover the outer and discover the inner. If you’re serious about a relationship you’ve gotta dyke your way into one, meaning put more emphasis on the inner qualities than the outer goodies. Ever notice that beauty is right up there with spackle in the lesbian Desire-O-Meter? It’s because they attach erotic desire to something other than their partner’s physical appearance. Like power. Experience. Humor. Trucks. Flannel. Boots. Tit rings. Strap-ons. WAIT! I’m off-topic…
Anyway, getting turned on by a person’s inner qualities is hard for men to do. We are, after all, pigs. If somebody doesn’t give us an instant erection we’re convinced they never will. But it’s not true. Everyone’s had the experience of being turned on by somebody who initially didn’t. Something happens to make you see the guy in a different light and suddenly he makes that taco in your pants turns into a burrito.
3. Date the sparsely furred. You need erotic experiences with smooth or near-smooth guys and the best way to do that is to systematically immerse yourself in less and less hairy guys. The vast majority of guys are somewhere between smooth and hairy. Start with the guys who are medium hairy and work your way down to the least hairy guy who doesn’t give your dick a flat tire.
4. Watch porn with lightly hairy guys. Sometimes a good video opens you up to things you thought you’d never get into. Like mustaches. Or as they call them in jail, “Prison p*ssy.”
Body type is not a conscious choice. You can’t change it, but with the right attitude and the right techniques, you can expand it.
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