In issue 13

Tales From The Dark Side

Tales From The Dark Side (WND), an anti-gay bastion of the Internet, must be the mother ship of the pod people we refer to as the Reich-wing. I was hot on the tale of a big scoop when I found myself on their website. The lights suddenly started blinking and I felt dizzy & strange images appeared before me

Conspiracy Revealed!
A distressed mother contacted WND about’s version of Hasbro’s (formerly Milton Bradley’s) Game of Life and the insidious way in which it forces the homosexual agenda on unsuspecting children. She noted that when a player gets married they get to choose the gender and appearance of their spouse; WND played a game as a female character, chose a female spouse and proceeded to have children throughout the game! The mother also pointed out that she ìleft a very respectful review of the gameî and the sinister Shockwave deleted them! The horror! A children’s game about life has been transformed to more closely resemble life in the 21st century!

God: Forbidden

WND revealed another conspiracy that was literally right in front of our eyes: The Sun-Sentinel reports that a chaplain was compelled to resign because she was forbidden to use the words ìGodî and ìLordî in public. The chaplain claims she was chastised for using the word ìLordî in a ìChristian connotationî when reciting the 23rd Psalm and said, “If you take God away from me, it’s like taking a medical tool away from a nurse.” To be fair to our friends at the Sun-Sentinel, they did point out that the CEO of Hospice by the Sea in Boca clarified that the ban ìapplies only to the inspirational messages that chaplains deliver in staff meetingsî and that they support clergy that offer religious counsel when ministering to their patients. Regardless of their claim, I think I know where we’re all going in the Louis Vuitton handbag

God Bless Russia
Former Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, of the Alabama Ten Commandments in the Courthouse fame, wrote an insightful commentary on Obama’s economic plan claiming it to be antithetical to Reaganomics (we saw  how well that turned out). Moore goes on to declare Vladamir Putin a ìwise sageî in terms of economic policy and advises us all to heed his words. Isn’t this the guy that we were warned would periodically rear his head over Alaska in a threatening manner?

A Nightmare Come True
The final installment is in this terrible tale reveals the most unspeakable. The federal government had a new policy (can we guess who that’s trying to blame?) that would require scrap spent shell casings from government ammunition be destroyed, causing despair among gun owners who feared a shortage of ammunition. WND reports: ì’People are just stockpiling,’ said a spokeswoman for Georgia Arms, which has seen bullet sales jump 100 percent since the election. ‘A gun is just like a car. If you can’t get gas, you can’t use it.'” (Gas for guns. Got it.) They went on to cite a letter from one of two surprise heroes, Democratic Senators, claiming that the policy prevented citizens from ìfully exercising their Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms.î I’m no scholar on the constitution, but I don’t remember hearing anything about the government being required to supply ammunition. What is most frightening is that people worried about children’s games, grandstanding about being able to rub their religious beliefs in everyone’s faces and believe Putin to be a ìwise sageî are armed.

Reality Check
In an effort to regain my grasp on reality I quickly pulled up The Huffington Post and saw a headline: ìBush Deserves Credit For Recent Market Uptick.î What? Am I trapped in an episode of The Twilight Zone? No, it turns out the quote was by former Whitehouse spokesperson Dana Perino. She believes we have ìyet to realize the full extent to which the past president’s policies “alleviat[ed] the downturn.” Another article claimed Senate Minority Leader John Boehner (I wish he would learn to pronounce his name right) believes Republican lawmakers ìought to get the idea out of their minds that they are legislators.î That sounds like the Party of ìNoî to me! Whew! I am back!

Rays of Light

Jack Seiler is settling into office as Fort Lauderdale’s new mayor (I think the term ìbreath of fresh airî was coined with advance knowledge of potty-obsessed Jim Naugle being replaced) and hundreds demonstrated at Florida’s Capitol in support of repealing the ban on adoption by same-sex couples. Finally, the United States will sign a United Nations declaration that will decriminalize homosexuality. (Remember? The one that President George W. Bush refused to sign?) There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Dream sequence?


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